I do whatever I want with my butt, thank you.

A few weeks ago, I received a comment on one of my pole-dancing Instagram stories with a very thoughtful question:

“Why are you doing this? The way you have to show your butt to everyone… What is the point? I just don’t get it.”

Did someone call Judgment to the table? Many of us have a hard time starting facing judgement, especially when we want to start something new.. It is very easy for people to share their 2 cents on how you should live your life. While there is nothing much you can do about their behaviour, you can choose to handle the situation to your advantage.

Detach, to not waste your time.

So here I was, in my underwear, upside down on the pole, practicing a move, minding my own business. Then this message popped up and I started to wonder:

• Why am I upside down on a pole?

• Why am I half naked in my apartment?

• Why do I share those online?

And so on until my mind was filled with enough random thoughts about my actions to the point that they made me question my entire being.

Hold on a minute here.

This simple message had me doubting myself and my choices? It made me think twice about sharing something that I actually love and that doesn’t hurt anyone?

Hell no.

I realized I had three options. I could:

- Let my anger out and tackled him with my words (tempting!);
- Spend my time starting a debate on how we live in a society where it is inappropriate for women to show their bodies but normal for men and how it is important to change mentality around that topic, or;
- Ignore his remark and keep my cool.

I went for the 3rd option.

Why? Because what this guy wanted was to criticize, not try to really understand and potentially change his way of thinking and beliefs. Getting into a debate to attempt to educate him was very tempting but I just knew it would have just left me feeling frustrated as hell. So I kept my cool, told him I would not go into details and wished him a good night.

Sometimes, You can absolutely have conversations with people, only if they come from a neutral and curious state of mind. If someone starts saying something with an undertone of judgement, you will not make them change their minds.

So don’t waste your time, and keep doing whatever makes you feel good, especially because…

It’s not about you anyway.

There will always be someone ready to negatively judge whatever you're doing. And the truth is: it has nothing to do with you.

Behind someone’s judgment is an insecurity of theirs shining through.

And they are projecting it on you. You poked at something that is uncomfortable to them. It reminds them of that one thing they wish they could work on but haven’t yet for whatever reason. Is it fair? Nope. Do we all do it? Yes.

Being aware of it gives you the chance to act differently in those situations. It makes it easier to let go of the negativity you are facing and even bring compassion to the table by asking this person what is really going on. (If you feel like it, of course. Again, pick your battles!)

No, detaching doesn’t make you selfish.

A lot of people, especially women, feel incredibly guilty not to listen when someone is giving them “advice” disguised in judgement. That's conditioning for you, the “be a good girl” kind of thing. If this is your case, here is a little reminder that can help: nobody knows your life better than yourself, therefore, the only person who can make decisions about it is… you. It doesn't mean you have to send everyone packing and that you don't care. But it means you don't have to accept everything coming your way.

It does not make you selfish or pretentious if you decide to not give a damn. You know you cannot please everyone.

You want to wear only blue clothes, go for it. You don't want kids, nothing wrong with that. You want to work in the sex industry, you do you my friend (no pun intended - or maybe a little!).

Don't let others dictate who you are just because they believe it is the only and right way to be. What you do with your butt, how you dress, the way you live your life and who you decide to be are your decisions to make.

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What I wish I heard when I hated my body.

Growing up, like many young souls, I wasn't the biggest fan of my appearance. It took me a long time to learn the tools I needed to start respecting and loving my body the way I do now. Looking back, some tools could have been unlocked fairly easily, by one simple sentence and it probably would have saved me years of figuring it out on my own. Hopefully, I get to be your messenger today and deliver them to you.

1) The way you see your body is rarely the way it actually is.

Clouded vision of our bodies ( and even body-dysmorphia) is the number one obstacle in our body love journey. Due to many factors, such as comparing ourselves or unwelcome criticism, it is very easy to paint a negative image of our appearance, even unconsciously.

For example, in my case, I used to see myself much bigger than how I actually was and I only realized that by looking at old pictures years later. I created so much pressure and shame around my weight, every single day. All I remember, the rare time I brought it up, was hearing the exasperated “ugh what are you talking about?” .

Truth is, I wasn't capable of seeing any differently. This vision was buried so deep, I just didn’t know It could be wrong.

I like to think that hearing the following would have pushed me in the right direction, taught me to develop kindness towards myself and give myself a break. You can try it if someone you care about is bringing up something like this to you:

“Hey, this is very common for people to think this way. You don’t see it right now, your vision is influenced by many things outside of your control. Just be kind to yourself.“

2) Your body changes pretty much every day, and that's normal.

There are so many things happening in your body at once, every day, that can affect your appearance from one day to the next. Digestion, hormonal changes, periods, stress… Everything fluctuates all day, every day.

For example, no one has a flat stomach all day everyday. No one. Not even Britney Spears from 2004.

Knowing this would have helped alleviate the pressure I created around looking a certain way all the time and helped me develop self-acceptance.

3) The size tag on clothes doesn't mean anything, dont let it define you and be a way to celebrate or denigrate your body.

When I was shopping for clothes and did not fit in the size I wanted, it was crushing me for the whole day. I was embarrassed. After all, my girlfriends told me they were wearing this size and I wasn't.

I have had so many moments tearing up in a fitting room because I had to go a size up of what I was hoping for.

If only I had been told that sizing for clothes are not reliable truths and change so much from one brand to the other! I had to learn to detach myself from those tags and use them only as a very rough reference. I still have to remind myself this to this day. 

4) Weight scales are BS.

Since our bodies are constantly changing, it is normal that our weight does too. Just like the size tag, I was always aiming for a certain weight, often based around what my friends said (while completely disregarding their body shape may I add) and I felt like crap when I was way over that.

The day I finally understood that once again, so many factors can influence your weight, making it a not-so reliable source too, I ditched the scale.

A number doesn’t define me. I haven’t weighted myself in years, I don't even know how much I weigh, and I am much happier that way. 

5) The media is not the reality.

I grew up in the time with Christina Aguilera and other 2000 super stars blasted everywhere with the tiniest bodies on earth in low rise jeans. It made me obsessed about my little tummy pouch. Why did I have one and they didn’t?

And it wasn’t just them, everywhere I looked, it was the same type of body, from magazine to TP commercials.

I wish someone had told me it wasn’t the reality. That editing was involved, that the majority of women don’t look like that, come in all shape and sizes, and that not one is better than the other. That everyone has their little imperfections and again, that they are normal. 

6) The more you take good care of your body, the better your mind will be.

For some, it is common sense, for others, it is rocket science:

the appreciation you have for your body greatly affects your mental health and vice versa.

The happier you feel about your body, the more your mind follows. They don’t go without one another.

In my early twenties, I started learning a lot about personal development and the connection to the body is still not mentioned often. (One of the many reasons why Scandaleuse exists to begin with!). The truth is, you can lead a much happier life when you connect the dots between your mind and your body.

7) You're not alone.

Oh boy, does it sound simple, but knowing that I wasn't the only one feeling insecure as hell would have made such a difference! I do believe that bringing normalcy to the table when dealing with body insecurities and self-doubt is so helpful to stop giving it that much importance.

It is so easy to feed toxic patterns without realizing it. Creating acceptance around them make them less threatening and easier to let them go.

Be kind and patient with yourself, even in your darkest days.

When in doubt, Talk it out, Write it down and more importantly, remember to give yourself a break.

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I don't orgasm often, and that's ok!

Friends, today we are getting very intimate… If you are following us on social media you saw Juliette and I naked or in lingerie many times, but today’s blog really makes me feel vulnerable.

I never thought I would ever write about that, but here I am… and geez this is scary! I think this is the only thing in my life I have a lot of shame about.

Beside this feeling of shame, there is also the fact that it makes me feel like a joke. I claim being this open-minded, sexual ,and sensual being but yet I have a hard time reaching to what is considered as the Holy Grail of sexuality.

I was lucky to grow up with my mom with whom I could talk about everything. But the Orgasm topic is a tough one, mostly because I grew up feeling like if you don’t orgasm easily you are broken. Even though I surrounded myself with loving people, I never talk about it with them. The only person who knows is Juliette, and recently a couple of other people from our community.

Their support is what’s pushing me to be vulnerable and share about it today. I am hoping my story will help other women (adults and teenagers included) feeling less alone, more at peace with the female orgasm, and the fact it is ok to not orgasm or less often than you are “supposed” to.

DISCLAIMER: I am not specialized in sexuality and I am not a doctor. Everything I am sharing with you here is just based on my own experience. If you are seeking physical or mental health advice please reach out to a specialist.

The female orgasms and the pressure around it

As the title mentioned I don't orgasm often. Well actually let me be more specific: I rarely orgasm when I have sex with men. When I am pleasuring myself it is not an issue because I know my body and what turns me on. But when I am with someone I get too much in my head and it rarely happens (to give you an idea what rarely means to me: I can count on one hand the number of orgasms I had with partners since I started to have sex).

I was 17 when I had sex for the first time, I am now 32. At that time the topic of orgasm was still taboo and subject to a lot of jokes. I have heard so many comments from people around me (or in the movies) like this one below:

“I pity women who cannot orgasm, it must be so awful! I hope it will never happen to me!”

Those jokes, awful discussions, and BS around the female pleasure are extremely shameful and put a lot of pressure on our shoulders (women are already dealing with so many shit, it is something more we don’t need!).

Growing up, my references (which were probably the same for you) for the woman’s pleasure were coming from:

• Magazines:

  I remember all of those articles on how to come faster, how to please your man, what to wear to be more sexy, what to do and not do during sex… All of those were just about appearance and performance, full of misinformation.

• Romantic movies (or adult ones):

  You know those intimate scenes where the characters are having sex and the woman comes in only a few seconds (she got her elbow touched and boom, orgasm!) Also, don't get me started on the lack of foreplay 😡.

So in my teenager/young adult mind, I believed orgasms had to happen during each intercourse and had to come fast. But this was never the case for me and I did not understand why. Talking about it to anyone was difficult as I was afraid to be laughed at, and judged.

Pride had also a huge part in my silence. I did not want to “admit something was wrong” with me since I was feeling like I had to “fix this broken part of me”. Showing vulnerability is something quite recent in the self-development journey. We grow up believing we have to be strong all the time and never show any signs of weakness.

I now understand and know that not orgasming like society tells you to doesn’t mean you are broken, but at that time I did not know better so I learnt to adapt: AKA I started to fake my orgasms (I can imagine a lot of you raising your eyebrows, thinking how wrong that is, and you are probably right. Faking doesn’t solve anything but sometimes it is the only solution you find to get a little bit of peace of mind).

Everyone is different.

As I already mentioned, I am a sexual person: talking about sexuality was never an issue, I starting to touch and discover my body from a very young age (I was under five if I remember correctly). I always considered sexuality as something natural because it is the education I received from my mom (which I am really grateful for).

It is important for me to share that information with you to put everything back into perspective. It is easy to believe that if a woman doesn't orgasm it is because she doesn't know her body well or she doesn't enjoy sex. Of course it can be, but it is not always the case. It can be physical, it can be mental, it can be both. It really depends of each individuals, and their story, past, trauma, mental blocks, education, religion, community, health…

If you don’t already watch Layla Martin’s video, I highly suggest you do it. Her videos are always really helpful to me!

Partners and communication.

I feel very self-conscious right now to write this part because I have some of my exes following Scandaleuse and probably reading our blogs. But I cannot let out what I am about to say as it is an important part of my story and I know a lot of women will relate.

I have had around 25 partners, some were long term relationship, others were one-night stands or short terms. And I faked with all of them, I am not proud of that fact but it is the truth.

So you might wonder, did they ever noticed. Maybe some of them did, but most of them did not. And the reason is simple: I have always been good at finding stratagems to avoid talking about this lack of orgasms. Such as faking, or knowing how to make them come faster so I did not have to come at all (because most men believe that once they are done, it means you are too so they don’t even bother taking care of you).

And if you are thinking: “Fanny, it would have been healthier to simply communicate with them rather than avoiding that conversation!”. Well, every time I open up the topic with some of my partners, they took it personally, they thought that with them it would be different (men are proud creatures!). They never fully listened or tried to understand, and they ended putting more pressure on me. So most of the time I got very discouraged and I kinda gave up (which is not a solution either).

On top of that my relationship with men has always been complicated. I never fully trusted my partners, so expressing your feelings and setting boundaries up when you don’t feel comfortable with someone makes the process of communication really difficult.

Sexuality is much more than achieving orgasms

Women, are emotional beings. Our mind and body are deeply connected, so if we don't feel safe, if we are anxious, or any other reasons to not feel good in the moment, our bodies will not react positively during sex, and it gets really difficult to let go. Which can create for example lack of orgasm or pain.

Women also store most of their past trauma in their womb area which can make sexuality (especially penetrative sex) quite emotional and difficult.

Sexuality should be an act of pure pleasure and not a race for the best performance. Yes, orgasms feel amazing but we should not pressure ourselves to always achieve the grand finale (all gender included!).

Not having an orgasm doesn’t mean it wasn’t pleasurable! I wish my partners were able to understand that, instead of feeling frustrated because they did not make me come. It is something so deeply rooted in our beliefs that even a honest conversion with them did not make a difference. They simply refused to believe I had still a great time despite not having an orgasm.

Pleasure, consent, respect, and communication should be taught at school

Some people are really good at communicating to their partner how they like to be touched, or how to say NO. For other peeps it is more tricky.

I wished my sex education at school was deeper than using protection and fearing STDs. I wished they had taught us about other things that are as important like body discovery, pleasure, consent, respect, and communication. But because so many part of the sexuality are hidden from kids and teens, they use porn as their main reference (we did too), and porn is not the reality.

A better sex education would have been be game changer for many adults, it would have cut off so much shame around this subject.

Writing about this was much needed!

I haven’t published this blog yet and still feel nervous about it. The main reason why I waited so long before sharing this part of me with anyone is because I was afraid it will become a label. That people will stop seeing me as “Fanny who has a big heart and cares about the environment” and instead see me as “Fanny who cannot orgasm.” But someone told me:

“Well there is a higher chance they will see you as The Woman Who Dares To Talk About iI!”.

How powerful is that? 🤯.

I am not really giving you any solution here, because I am still searching what could work for me (but I already have an action plan - that is the business woman talking inside me). I am just hoping that if you relate to this blog it will help you in anyway possible.

By the way, here is what my action plan is if it can inspire you:

• Opening my sexuality up to other genders: I always considered myself as pansexual and always thought I am interested by people rather than what they have between their legs, I just never had the opportunity to experience with another gender than cis male.

• Choosing my partners better: I know what I want in my relationships so I have been “filtering” my potential lovers for a little while now. Even if it means being single for longer than usual.

• Listening to my guts: We have a very strong and natural instinct that we unfortunately don’t listen to. So many times I had a little voice in my head and heart telling me to be careful because there was something weird with a person, or the situation was not right, and I chose to not listen and obviously got burnt. Well not anymore, now I am listening to my guts: if I don’t trust, I don’t go for it.

• Learning to communicate better about my sexual needs: this one is hard for me, I never knew how to explain what I like or not to my partners, and I have forced myself so many times because I didn’t dare to say no or change the dynamic.

I really hope this blog will be helpful. You are not alone! Do not feel ashamed anymore or scared to talk about it with people you trust and love.

I am more than happy to talk about it publicly or privately for people who wanna have the conversation. You can reach out by email or social media 💛

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5 reasons why you should do a boudoir shoot for your partner

While the best reason to do a boudoir shoot is definitely for yourself, you can also truly enjoy sharing these precious risqué photos with your special someone. We can all safely admit that when we feel beautiful, proud and confident, it does feel extra good when someone else can see it too.

Here are 5 reasons why you should consider sharing your boudoir photos with your partner:

1) The ultimate surprise effect

Many people would never expect in a million years to receive professional boudoir photos of their partners. Especially if it is not a habit of yours to snap some spicy selfies, giving such a unique gift will definitely lend you the best-gift-ever gold medal. Seeing your loved one face light up with surprise is such a bliss to witness. And with this follows…

2) To make them feel extra special

Boudoir photos are the proof that you stepped into vulnerable and intimate experience. You sharing the outcome with your partner is a privilege. You didn't have to do that, but yet, you've let them in, creating an even stronger bond between you two. Talk about feeling special!

3) To bring out more confidence in you that they will get to enjoy too.

It is no secret that confidence is attractive as hell. By doing a boudoir shoot, you will get a strong confidence boost that will spread on everything you touch. Yes, your relationship too!

4) To step into your sexy self that they will (definitely) love too!

The above also applies to your sensual side, side often buried deep under our every day lives. If anything, we get so caught up in daily routines, it is rare that we maintain this oh-so-pleasant feeling of being sexy. Maybe you never really felt it either and you made the great decision of experimenting (yay, you!). Not only will you enjoy a confidence boost, but you will also get a strong sexy boost! Everyone enjoys seeing their partner in a different light here and there, especially when it involves their (almost) naked bodies!

5) To give them a spicy reminder that you're a hot stuff, my friend!

This applies even more if you have been with someone for quite a while. Even if there is a lot of love between two people, sometimes, it happens that we forget how attractive our special someone is. Well, try giving them boudoir photos and let the reminder that, yes, they are with a sexy beast, sink in!

If you are ready to dazzle your partner with beautiful photos of yourself, take advantage of our Christmas deal! We are offering 50% off on our sessions for the occasion, as well as including some free goodies!

The Female Collective: the power you need to join.

A little while ago, we came across a story of an actress who had some risqué photos, taken a few years before for a magazing, resurfacing. While she said she had nothing to be ashamed of and was actually proud of her photos (YES!), a wave of negative comments popped everywhere. You know, the classic judgy, borderline slutshaming kind.

While this is unfortunately common, we were surprised to see that the majority of those comments came from women.

So, while the media just screams “women supporting women” with a layer of pink glitter, it seems that when it comes to actually do it, we still have a bit to go.

Woman to woman hostility: why does it even happen to begin with?

Is it jealousy?

You must have heard growing up ”ugh, she's just jealous” when you got criticized by another girl, especially when it comes to a physical comment. Just because you get a nasty comment on your physique doesn’t mean it is because the other woman wants to look like you. We personally think it is an easy way to label it and it goes much deeper than “just” jealousy.

Heavy expectations

Gigantic expectations have been weighing on women for centuries. So much so that we have been deeply conditioned to think that certain things are acceptable for women, and some aren’t, for no good reason whatsover. It creates frustration that builds up so much over time that when someone dares to ignore those expectations, it just hurts too much that we couldn't do it and they could.

The fear of judgment

What is the #1 obstacle that makes us feel so small and intimidated when we want to try something new? The fear of being judged.

Many of us are terrified by the idea that someone points the finger at us laughing when you dare trying something outside the box. And what happens next? We give up before even starting, thinking it is not worth the risk. Once again, when someone gathers the courage to do something we put in the risky category and comes out the other end safe & sound AND happier, frustration comes into play.

The backlash this actress received had nothing to do with the actual photos of her body. They were about the fact that she did something considered “improper” but yet she looks beautiful & confident and she is owning it.

Something “bad” is not supposed to make you feel or look good and she went against that. That’s why the frustration monster popped its head out and when we don't acknolewdge it, it manifests into toxicity.

Women have already so many battles to fight, and there is one we can easily win: let’s stop turning on each other and empower each other instead.

The female collective: an endless source of power that benefit us all

When we are aware of those super-powers, this is when magic happens.

Working of the common good is our biggest strength.

The majority of us get higher energy when we know we contributed to the common good. Over the years, it got labelled as a maternal and nurturing instinct, making it more limited and not necessarily taken seriously.

But this is a major asset. Collective work is how changes happen. You can only go so far alone, and we got that many moons ago without even noticing.

Mastering the art of empowerment.

How many times have your friends given you the boost of confidence you needed? Out of these, how many times was it much stronger than your own pep talk?

Thanks to our ability to work for the common good, we have also developed another skill: creating a bulletproof support system. We can make anyone feel seen and appreciated in a matter of minutes.

We are the best cheerleaders and through this, we don't need to empower ourselves because someone is doing it for us while we empower someone else and so on.

Unstoppable - our project that illustrated it all

Everything we just wrote really sunk it our brains back in 2018 after witnessing it all for a couple years. We empowered women with our work and it empowered us back. So we decided to illustrate it by posing 12 women who didn't know each other, together, in a context deemed "inappropriate” to the outside world.

This project created such a peak of confidence and energy that we were all on cloud 9 for days. Those reminders are precious and very much necessary to keep building positive changes.

And we are doing again, bigger & louder this time.

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