If you follow us on Instagram, you saw that Fanny and I shared some of our earliest work as photographers. What was meant to be an endearing, loving and funny post brought out an interesting realization for me: I am not able to tell on which photos I edited my body. And I deeply regret it.
The quick fix of photo editing
I started fiddling with editing softwares when I was about 15, back in 2007. At first, it was just to create little emo montages to put on my blog (yes I'm this old).
Then, I found some tutorials to alter reality and change proportions. And of course, my deeply insecure teenaged self didn't wait 2 minutes before applying it to my face and my body. Like many teenagers, my weight was the main source of my insecurities. So I went to town, shrinking my waist, my cheekbones, my legs and removing anything I thought was a flaw.
Did it make me feel better? For a split second, absolutely. I got the outside validation from my peers, I convinced myself it was better this way, which was enough for me. I was actually quite good at editing and nobody noticed. Plus, it was the early days, our eyes weren't used to spot this kind of editing.
What I didn't realize is that I was heavily feeding my insecurities.
2012 - No idea if I edited myself or not, deleted the original.
The danger of building an alternate you.
Slapping filters, changing your body: it is never just a one-off.
Once you start, it only gets worse. It is never enough. Think about it, you found an easy way to fix one "flaw", of course you are gonna find ways to fix another. And then you gonna dive in into parts of yourself you didn't have anything against, but it needs to match the rest of the edited you so… a vicious cycle begins.
I distinctly remember snapping a little auto-portrait when I was about 16 and editing everything so much that I ended up changing the size of my eyes. The. Size. Of. My. Eyes.
I remember looking at this and thinking "who the f*ck is this".
This was one of the first steps that rang a bell to me and said “Jules, you went too far". I never published this photo and I wasn't able to find it, chances are I deleted a few years ago because of that reason.
You would think that this would have led my path to self-acceptance, that I stopped editing and unicorns started dancing around me. HA!
Nope. I just transferred this virtual version of me to my real life.
2011 - Edited my waist - Beautiful proof of my body-dysmorphia as I found myself fat.
I wanted to be this virtual version I created in real life.
I got that editing was bad for me but not for the right reasons. I twisted this to "I can't edit myself anymore because it makes me feel bad, so I'm gonna change my body in real life". This was the peak of my body-dysmorphia journey and it lasted way until my mid-2os.
I was just "too fat", all the time. Losing weight didn't make a difference, i didn't see it.
It started impacting my every day life, making me not eat before taking photos, not letting people take pictures of me, controlling everything as much as I could, something that I still do to this day when I'm feeling unsafe. I am extremely lucky that I didn't develop obsessive eating disorders, I honestly have no idea how I dodged it with this way of thinking.
Walking away from this required a lot of different seeds to stop acting like an idiot.
Many of those amazing women we get to work with on the daily.
1) Letting others show me.
We are in 2011. I am photographing more and more women I find absolutely stunning while they don't technically check the beauty standard boxes blasted in front of us. They're confident, they're open about their insecurities and they don't let them dictate their lives. I see them shine during my shoots and I'm impressed.
they planted the first seeds in my brain that I could actually accept myself the way I was too.
Then I meet other women just as beautiful but not as confident and it blows my mind. I find myself believing in and encouraging THEM to shine. And I must be doing something right because it works and they believe me. Even more so, a fire starts within them and I'm loving it.
And one day, it clicks: if I see their beauty at first glance and they don't, is there a chance I'm doing the same for me? Just like that, I planted the next seed: the one that shows the lack of accuracy of negative self-talk and that I shouldn't let it take over.
2) Starting aerial silks and changing my perspective.
By this time, we are in 2013, I'm 21. I haven't edited my body in years, but instead, I simply hide it in every way I can. Out of sight, out of mind. But I'm about to plant another seed for myself without knowing: I start aerial silks.
What's the point, you may wonder?
It made me see that my body is a strong ass one, more than just an appearance.
It starts changing too, it gets fitter, things I didn't know was an option. I don't see it as much as a flawed thing anymore, it impresses me. I knew that I had to capture that in case it faded away, so I can have a keepsake. So I did. I still have this photo in my apartment and look at it often.
3) Opening Scandaleuse and stopping the hypocrisy.
I'm 25 now, I'm just starting to embrace myself the way I should. Fanny and I are brainstorming ideas about Scandaleuse. We both have this deep passion around highlighting women's beauty, especially when they don't see it.
Boudoir is the way we chose but it is still much easier to do it for others than myself. So before we even opened anything, something pushed me out of my comfort zone and I asked Fanny to shoot my first ever boudoir shoot to know what it would feel like.
Of course, I fell RIGHT BACK into my old habits: I asked to shoot at 7am to make sure I wasn't bloated, before I had eaten anything. I had a very hard time to let go and I even edited some photos (“it was just some unflattering shadows” (no it wasn't))
Photo from this shoot. Pretty sure I edited my stomach here.
Not only did it make me feel like absolute garbage to do this but this was also the first time Fanny told me I was wrong, in calm, almost sad, way.
You see, I had never anybody who actually told me that. I have had people dismissing my concerns with the flicker of a hand many times, but no one actually sat me down and tried to tell me that I might see myself in the wrong light, especially someone I deeply trusted. Fanny planted one of the biggest seeds I needed and I don't think she knows it. I'm so glad she did.
I realized I couldn't open a business about self-acceptance and kicking beauty standards in the balls if I wasn't willing to do it myself.
And if there is one thing that I can't accept, it is being a hypocrite.
It was even more important than my insecurities, it just wasn't an option. From this moment, I decided it was time to change. I never edited myself again after this.
So, is it healed?
Mostly, yes. But I don't believe it will ever go away fully. I still have moments when old habits come back and I'm tempted to edit something or cancel a shoot because I feel fat. But I force myself not to. I force myself to look at it all because going backwards would make me the biggest hypocrite, and like I said, this isn't an option.
And you know what? The “flaws” I see one day are rarely here the next. Because that's how it works with insecurities: they depend on many other factors that have nothing to do with your body. Understanding this as helped me DETACH from it all. I'm not feeling my best? It's okay, it will be back.
There you have it. This is probably the blog post that took me the most energy. Writing this all is leaving me with a deep sense of appreciation. I've come a long way and will need constant reminders, but it's okay. If you are on the same boat, I hope reading my story will help. And of course, if you feel like you're ready to get the ultimate kick in the butt with a boudoir shoot, we are here for you!
